Body Issues RantMonday, July 23, 2012
As some of you who follow me on twitter know I had a phone conversation with my parents the other day. Which basically involved my dad telling my to get a gastric band. They had been to visit a friend who had it done a year ago and is still losing weight and told them its the most amazing thing he has ever done. My parents being very pushy decided I should get this done also. The explained how they would pay for it my my mum would look after me for a month after the op to make sure I was ok. My mother is nurse but also has MS and is not doing too well at the moment so how she thinks she would be able to look after me I have no idea.
I have been fat most of my life. I started gaining weight in primary school and slowly put on about 14lbs a year matching my weight to my age. At 21 I was at my largest and had dieted many times through the years but always put it back on and more. I tried weight watchers with a photocopy of the booklets from a friend of my mum. I tried diet pills. I starved myself. I did every fad diet that was out there. I was the biggest of my group of friends but about 100lbs. They never made me feel bad for it. It was others and usually guys that had an issue with my size. Being called a beached whale is no fun for a teen. I had little interest in dating as I figured anyone who wanted to be with me was stupid and why would I want to be with a stupid person. I had crushes on boys to almost obsession but I never acted on it for fear of rejection. It was not until I lost 5 stone that I got a little confidence and started dating and lost my virginity. Through this I gained more confidence and as the weight went back on I did not lose the confidence it stayed.
In primary school I was active and played after school basketball. In high school I was in a dance group and had been on the hockey team and was a pretty good goalkeeper but the early morning practice on a Saturday soon put a stop to my team efforts. When it came to physical education I didn't take part. After a school sports day when we everyone had to run track myself and another fat girl were way behind everyone else and I pushed myself to not finish last yet the teacher still marked me as last. After that I gave up on sport. I was pressured into doing swimming in a mixed class once and didn't go back after that. Being a teenager is bad enough but when you are fat or skinny or anything that is a little different from the normal it makes it so much harder. I am not saying I had a bad childhood. I didn't. I was bullied and such but I figure it made me stronger. Although you will not see me thanking my bullies in this lifetime!
Anyways back to the gastric band issue. I figure I am 32 and through varies people and photo shoots I have found that I actually am happy with my body and myself as a person. I seem to drift between 250-300 depending on my job and the seasons. I have no problem with any weight I am up to 300lbs. I have been slightly more and found I got severe back pain, leg cramps etc. So for my health I know I am better staying below 300lbs it is for this reason that I know I will need to get fit and lose a little before I decide to start a family. I may have problems in that area anyways as I might have Polycystic Ovaries Syndrome (POS) which makes becoming pregnant that much harder if not impossible.
I have a hospital appointments next week to figure out if I do have POS. I know for a fact that any weight I lose will go back on and I am fine with that. I just know that being pregnant and carrying the extra weight would be hard on my body so want to be as fit as possible before I venture down that path. I am also Diabetic type 2 which has its own problems with pregnancy. I have been Diabetic for over 12 years. It runs in my family and it under control. I also have thyroid problems which again is a family thing all the women seem to have. So I know I need to take care of myself and my body.
As my parents forced their views of my body and what should be done about it down the phone. I told them I would not have an operation to help me lose weight. I don't want to be thin. I am happy the way I am and who is to say that putting my body through that operation wouldn't land me with other health issues and so people on twitter informed me off. Such as IBS, surgery complications. I love food and enjoy food. I don't want to have to puree food and not eat certain things. I am old enough to know my body and what works and doesn't. My mental health is good and my physical health needs some work but I am starting swimming next week with a friend and intend on being fat and fit. I expect my body to change in the coming years as is has in the past years but I will still love it and be happy with what I have.
I know there is a lot of anti diet talk in the plus size community but sometimes people need to do what is best for their body and if that means losing a few pounds then who are we to tell them otherwise! It is their body! They have to live with it so please don't judge someone for dieting. Let people do what they want to do and as long as they are not shoving their ideas down your throat then who cares. It is not just fat people who have body issues. We all have issues and overcoming them takes work. Every body IS a good body and as long as you love your body and self I think you are on a good path. Life is a journey and we all take different routes but we all end up dead so don't worry about stupid little things just be happy. Find what makes you happy and do it.
This has been a rant. It doesn't happen often but I felt I needed to get the words out of my head. Thanks for reading or not.